Growing up so fast...

Little Babies

Everyone told me that children change your life completely, but I didn't realize how much change was possible until little Ella showed up all sweet and chubby on Christmas Eve... after a 24 hour labor. Now I'm trying to remember what it felt like to be a person - not a sleep deprived mommy. My every nerve is tuned into the baby. I find myself lying awake at night listening to her breathing. I jump up the moment she cries. I feel ecstatic when I see her smile. She has become so precious to me.

Anticipation

Only four weeks or so left until my little munchkin makes her first appearance into the world and waiting feel like torture. Sometimes I just lie awake at night feeling her little movements wishing I could peek inside and see what she's doing. I wonder what she looks like. Is she getting fat like she's supposed to? Does she have any hair on her little head? Will she look more like me or Ryan? And, will I even be able to tell what she'll look like eventually in those first few days after birth when all babies look vaguely like Winston Churchill?

The not knowing is so hard. What day will she decide to make her first appearance? Will I be able to recognize right away that I'm in labor? Will she come quickly or will it be a marathon birth? Will she be healthy - able to breath all on her own and nurse and cry?

I can't wait to meet her... but, of course, I have to.

A walk in the woods

After The Party

by Julio Cortazar (Translated by Stephen Kessler)

And when everyone had gone

and just the two of us were left

among the empty glasses and dirty ashtrays,

how beautiful it was to know that you

were there like an oasis,

alone with me at the night's edge,

and you were lasting, you were more than time,

you were the one who wouldn't leave

because one pillow

one warmth

was going to call us again

awake to the new day,

together, laughing, disheveled.

Reflection

It's been a long day and I can't sleep. I'm suffering from that certain kind of stress that leaves you restless at the end of the day.

My Students are mostly failing my class. My principle is going to expect a miracle. And, Christmas, which is two days a way feels like it might be a hundred away. And, I'm hungry and there is nothing to eat in the house. I haven't gone food shopping since we're flying to Texas tomorrow.

My sister posted a picture of me from 10 years ago on facebook. I was so innocent and carefree. Life happens I suppose.